Thursday, August 30, 2012

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I feel as though I'm constantly moaning on this blog.. and indeed I am. There is always so much to be happy and joyful about. So let's start there.

1) The beautiful weather we're having - sunny days and cooler nights.

2) Raf's love of his new school. Today I had to collect him again and he was such a happy little guy, and so confident, too.

3) All of my sisters who have been super kind to me, especially Melissa who emails me throughout the day and sends me pictures of Raf's cousins.

4) So many lovely friends who have visited, sent things for baby Toast, Raf, and me, and who read this blog and 'like' my pictures on FB even though there are so many blogs and so many pictures. And so many friends who have offered to give and loan us things after our mould debacle.

5) Baby Toast for hanging in there.

6) Raf's politeness when he's being a real bossy boots. For example, 'mummy, lie down, please', 'fetch that, mummy... thank you'.

7) Rich's sudden discovery that he can indeed make a super green shake!

8) Computers, iPads, and phones that keep me occupied all day long.

9) That I'm now 34 weeks and out of the danger zone for this little guy.

10) The best fellow-bed-rester that anyone could have...


So many good things. Yet it's also been a lousy few days. Last night I got a bit of a shock when I realized that there was no pay day for me today. They're re-structuring how they pay department chairs at work and somehow I didn't pay enough attention to the memo which, last month, told us to plan for no paycheck. This couldn't have come at a worse time with Raf in school far more than we had intended at this point, a massive property tax bill, and endless things we need to get for this baby. I even called my mum and asked if she would buy a few newborn outfits now for Toast instead of waiting to get him something afterward as I find myself in such a state of anxiety around so many things. I feel so stupid for not planning better and for overlooking all of this - and now, for leaving everything until the last minute when, as my dad would say, the coffers are empty.

I did have my 34 week appointment today, too. Lots of exams and swabs to try to work out what the blood in my urine is (no UTI, it seems), as well as the increase in nausea and vomiting. Yesterday I vomited at least 8 times, and it was only because I increased my zofran that I didn't spend the day huddled over the loo. The nausea is very different to the usual pregnancy nausea I have and is more from constant pressure and discomfort. Kristen, the midwife, was a little concerned about kidney stones or infection but hopefully the cultures and blood work will tell us more.

I did get my hopes us a little as she also repeated the fetal fibronectin test and if it had been negative then bed rest would have been altered to modified bed rest, which means that I could at least go out and get a few things done (though no house cleaning or much walking...). I came home feeling hopeful about the test but unfortunately it was still positive so two more weeks of bed rest.

I'm having all sorts of doubts this evening about how I will cope with another baby. My body has felt completely awful for over a year with the pregnancies we had and lost, and with a new little one I wonder how on earth we'll manage. Rich is incredibly busy with work and college and I return to work after 3 months, and I worry about that, too. I was up nursing Raf many times each night until he was at least a year old, and this time I return to work much sooner, Rich will be away from the house most evenings, and now I'm beginning to really, really panic about the financial aspects of having a family of 4, as well as my ability to manage working full time and caring for a toddler and newborn. I feel overwhelmed and also more than a little selfish as I wonder when I will ever have any time to myself.

But to put all of this this into perspective I had devastating news from two lovely, kind friends who both lost their babies in the last two days. Devastating does not come close to describing this. As I was sat at the midwives today waiting to have blood drawn when one friend texted to say she'd lost her twins - that there were no heartbeats.

So shocking and so sad - and so deeply unfair. Both friends have had multiple losses, and both are simply the kindest, loveliest women you'll meet. And of course these losses throw into sharp relief how blessed we are to have Rafi and his little brother on the way.

8 comments:

  1. Glad to read about all happy news :) lovely pic of you two.

    (((hugs))) to your friends. I can't even imagine what they are going through :( They are in my prayers.

    Feel better soon Alex. If it's kidney stones, you know I went through it recently. Keep drinking lot of water and they will be gone!! Lots of love

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  2. Oh my gosh, al. What heart shattering news. I'm grateful for the blessings in your life and I wish I could help in person, that I could run errands, do what needs doing practically and to be there in person to listen to you and care and love you as you struggle with these massive fears, doubts and insecurities.

    I hear you totally on the impact of no pay check, but don't forget how much youve had on your plate for a long while now and it's very human to have skim read or not noticed the memo.

    I'm just glad you have good health care. A healthy rafi, rich and many many friends who've got your back.

    I'm gomna send you an email cos I can help in a little way
    Love you loads

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  3. Alex, I just wanted to send you much love across the miles from the UK. You have been coping with SO much this past year - truly, you are an inspiration. I guess having all this bed rest leads to an overactive mind. I remember it all too well and I would often lie in bed worrying myself silly about all sorts of things.
    You will manage and as you're such a natural mama, you will cope beautifully with juggling all those balls you keep up in the air.

    My heart goes out for your dear friends who have lost their little ones this week. It breaks my heart to hear of babyloss at any stage of pregnancy. Hearing about the loss of babies during your own pregnancy is even more poignant and scary, so hugs for you too. This little baby will be in your arms in just a few weeks and I can imagine you will be glad to have him here safe and well.

    Keep taking good care of yourself and try hard not to worry (I know it's so hard) but cut yourself some slack - you've coped with the most stressful things all squeezed into less than a year. Big hugs xx

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  4. Oh Alex, you have so much on your plate and as your friends have already commented, have really been through a lot in the last year. I am sorry for the stress coming from every side and past, present and future.
    I'm so very sorry to hear of your friends losses, too. So heartbreaking. I wish no mommy had to know that pain, let alone multiple times.
    Try to take things one day at a time, as much as you can. Do you have Craigslist in your area? You might be able to find some needed baby stuff there for really cheaply.
    Take care. xo

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  5. Alex, I add my sympathies to those of the others--I am so sorry for your friends. I cannot fathom how they must be doing right now, and how hard it must be for you to learn the news, especially given all you have going on yourself.

    I admire you so for being able to focus on the positive and to see the beauty in every day despite all of this.

    I so hope you feel better soon. You are such a strong person, and I know it's hard to feel that you must hold everyone else up. But this, too, will pass--it really will! I guess I just mean, it is not forever and you have a huge cheering section out here. I will be thinking about you!

    And please don't worry about newborn outfits. We have tons I can dig out if you need them!!!!

    xoxoxoxo

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  6. Thanks, everyone. You're always so kind to me. It was a difficult day all around, but it seems as though I've likely been passing kidney stones as the midwife called with my pee analysis results. I'm not in agony so I don't think they've been big but they help to explain the crazy nausea and vomiting.

    I didn't do a thing all day other than watch TV on my iPad and nap. I feel like I'm in such a paradox. I actually love being pregnant and having all of that expectation and anticipation, yet this pregnancy has been so challenging in many ways.. but I don't want it to be over as I suspect this will be our last, but I am also desperate for this little guy to come.

    So glad for you all.

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  7. And remember you have fellow chairs and departmental colleagues who can help lighten the load. There is nothing -- NOTHING --- that has to be done at work that trumps family and your health. Budget reports can wait.

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  8. Thanks so much, Beth. You've been such an amazing support already. I really don't know what I'd have done without you.

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