Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Separation Anxiety

And it's all me :)

I forgot to mention that on Sunday I had my first 'Panera Sunday'. The idea was for me to head to the gym and then to Panera where I'd get some breakfast on my own, read, sit, eat my toast.. all without a baby. The only place I've been without Raf is to the gym or for a walk. So I was excited at the prospect of spending a little bit of time on my own. But as I left the gym I was already feeling as though I was missing something. I called Rich and said 'hey, why don;t you just meet me there now?'. Rich was quite firm and said that I should have the time. And so I did. I enjoyed my toast (and half of Rich's bagel I'd ordered for him) and read my book 'Why Love Matters', and every two minutes I checked my phone to see what the time was :) When I saw Rich carrying Rich in his carseat towards the door I felt so supremely relieved and happy to see Rafi (and Rich, of course).

I have to admit that I really enjoyed the time, but it was a sort of anxious, sad-tinged time.

So it's hard being away from the little fella. Our new babysitter/nanny was supposed to come around this week, but I couldn't even begin to think about leaving him, and so I'm wondering how I ever will. I know that I have to, and I should start soon, but, oh, geesh, I just don't want to. I don't even like to be in a different room to him.

It's no wonder I get nothing done.

Which makes me wonder how anyone gets anything done at all with a baby. I had some work to do this week and it was just impossible to get anything done without Rich around. Even then it was hard. I'm curious how people manage it. I feel pretty awful when I put Raf in his swing, even if he seems perfectly contented. If I'm not holding him or interacting with him I feel as though it might be analogous to abuse. I'm only half joking, too. I know he has to explore his own world without me being too intrusive, but it's difficult to do that when I think that if he's not attached to my hip that I'm resigning him to an orphanage type life.


  1. Yeah, I know how you feel, Alex. I so remember the first day heading down to Biddeford after a full summer with Sage, wondering what the hell I was doing being away from her.

    But four years on and I have come to realize how important time to oneself is. It's all about balance. You'll be a much better parent if you're able to be a fuller person.

  2. thanks, David! I had a feeling both you and Jen would understand. I definitely can feel the importance of other things, for everyone's sanity! I made a real effort from the start to keep being very active. Sport, as you know, has been a real thread throughout my life. Cycling, going to the gym, rowing, etc., completely 'reset' me and I feel ready to go again with Raf. In fact if I don't workout (like today... eek) then it's a hard, hard day. When I'm engaged in some sport I feel a bit like my former self, and I have my body to myself.

    Going back to work may be something else entirely :)

  3. Hi love,
    So I'm completely unqualified to even comment on this (seeing as I'm not a parent), and really I'm just so worried about stepping on anyone's parenting toes that I don't want to share my thoughts, but I hear how hard it is.

    What a useless comment, huh? I do think it would be great for both of you if you can find a way to leave him with someone you trust, and I do think it will get easier over time.

    And really, by the time he is 10, you will probably be shoving him out the door forcibly so you can have some alone time :).

    Anyway, I know this taps into so much more for you, and I hope that I can talk with you sometime soon about all of that.
    Until then, I love you lots, and I am thinking of you.

    Lots of love,

  4. Hey Alex,

    I think being a parent is so incredibly strange, because you so often find youself wanting two contradictory things at the same time. You want--need--time to yourself; you also need to have your body for yourself after 9 months of pregnancy and constant nursing on demand. And yet--you don't want to let go of that baby for one second, and you love the bonding experience of nursing. And so there you are. ;-)

    I've been there (am still there, actually, though I'm used to it now). And so I'm thinking of you!


  5. Hey we've all been there! The guilt starts at conception and just carries on for, ooh, the rest of your life?! ;-) You have to do what you feel is right for you AND Rafi - and boy must you need some alone time by now! He'll be absolutely fine whether that's with Daddy or nanny. It will get easier for you too.

    I've decided that Benign Neglect is the way to go (frankly, with two under two it's pretty much my only option!).


  6. alice's benign neglect comment made me laugh... with 4 kids leila is forced to entertain herself from time to time ... but if she wants me to hold her she will make her feelings very clear and once again she is glued to my hip :) the separation anxiety does lessen over time (on both the parent and child's part) but if i am away from my children for any amount of time i think about them constantly and after a while i find myself physically itching to be with them again. the parental bond is so strong...

  7. how are you doing sweety?
    royal mail have had strikes for fucking weeks. I got natalie to countersign my passport form, gave her a stamped envelope to send it back to me first class and it took over a week to come. I took it to the post office and sent it through them on tuesday and they say it takes two weeks. Unless some kind of minor miracle occurs I'm never going to get it in time to come to spain. I am so fucking gutted hon i can't tell you. I'm still hoping for that miracle anyway so that i can just get a last minute flight (I don't care if it costs me double!)...

    I can't believe I thought i could use my driver's license to travel within the eu otherwise i'd have sorted this out ages ago.


  8. hiya everyone! we're in Spain now, but have terrible internet (my parents have dial up and their computer is OLD! But we had an excellent trip. Raf was a complete trooper.

    Oh Lou, so sorry and sad you can't be here with us. Wish we could scoot over to see you. Fingers crossed a small miracle happens.

    Hopefully I'll get some better computer access later and I can write an update post!

  9. how is your trip going? I'm waving across the water!

  10. Hi lou! It's so lovely here. I love the life style and weather!! Mum and dad love Raf and today Melissa came with Sam and the kiddos. A little accident involving Raf and Freya still has my heart on edge, but a lovely (exhausting) time with all the cousins.

    Still so sad you can't come and visit :(

  11. Oh, yikes--I think you will have a lot to report when next you have a good Internet connection!

    So glad you're having a lovely time.


  12. i'm glad you're having a nice time and i'm also still gutted i can't be there. No passport still and the post workers are striking again next week.

    what happened with freya and raf? Was it one of those heartstopping little kid holding baby oops-nearly-on-the-floor scenarios?

    Enjoy your last couple of days and have a safe trip back.

    love ya x