Sunday, July 15, 2012

Hitting help.

Very recently - i.e. last week or two - our very sweet, gentle little boy has at times started to get a little physical with me. No one else, it seems; just me. He'll mostly try and smoosh my cheeks (i.e. pinch them), pull my hair, and even hit me. The thing he is most definitely NOT angry or frustrated when he does it. In fact he never does it then. We have no idea why he's doing it, and honestly it seems to him like it's quite a big fun game. 

I usually firmly - but gently - hold his hands down and, at eye level, say 'Rafi, NO hitting/pinching/kicking', and much to our horror he'll think this is even funny. He usually then wants to pretend nothing happened and asks me to play with him, or something similar, and we're torn about what to do. 

Today we explained that the nice, loving response (aside from not hitting at all) is to say sorry and to kiss the boo boos. He'll often do the latter and sometimes the former but we're not even sure if this strategy is the best one. He has a little friend who can be quite physical with him and he's said that it makes him 'sad' and that it makes him 'cry', and so we've also tried to reflect his own language back to him.. i.e. 'hitting mummy makes her sad', but we don't know if that's the right way to go.

We don't give time-outs, but does anyone have any gentle parenting strategies to deal with this. Today I had to say 'no hitting' and walk away into another room.

Again, he doesn't seem angry or frustrated at all, and the difficult thing is that he thinks it's a bit of a game, I think. He'll often say, 'kick balls' (when he's being contrite), since we're said that we're allowed to kick some things but not mummy - and balls are on the allowed list. 

He's not aggressive with anyone else, to our knowledge, and almost always it's happened when we're playing or having a cuddle and he's getting a bit intense/excited. He doesn't even do this with Rich, really. 

Help!

3 comments:

  1. If J hurts me I just say "that hurts mommy" or something like that. I think it's fine to say that makes you feel sad, I do that too (not like I'm a model mother or anything). And sometimes Brian will take her if I need a break from her and say I want a little break or I don't want to play with her if she's going to hit or something. She does it when she's worked up, too, but I think she is still old enough to control herself a bit and when she does it sometimes she says "hit hit hit" (and she also sometimes hits the cats, too).

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  2. Sawyer will sometimes hit or pull hair and think it's funny too, most often it is to me or to Colby. Lovely stage, isn't it?

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  3. I wonder whether he's a little mixed up with his emotions regarding the baby. It's a hard thing for a three year old to comprehend - that mummy has a baby brother in her tummy. Kids seem to just accept it when you tell them, but I always wondered when Patrick was little and I was expected Spencer, or when the boys were watching my pregnancy with Philippa, just how much they understood.

    Children have such a range of emotions regarding this new little person - excitement, anticipation, probably a bit of confusion that there's a baby moving about in there and isn't ready to come out yet, etc.

    Despite being three and you being such a good mum and always giving Rafi amazing things to do and people to meet with, he has probably noticed a change in you, no matter how slight. He now knows you're tired, feeling unwell and that he has to be careful around you because of the babe. Maybe the physical stuff is just a blend of all these emotions coming out in him. Perhaps he is just trying his luck a little too, trying to get extra attention and doing so in this manner.

    Having said all that, I've seen so many toddlers and pre-schoolers behave this way. They are sometimes reacting to their emotions and it doesn't have to be anger for them to react physically. Sometimes the pinches or kicks are an outlet for their excitment, anxiety or whatever emotion is so overwhelming for them at that time.

    I know you show him lots of love and that he feels secure and nurtured so just keep up the firmness in your voice and explanations of why it's wrong. Maybe if you need to, take a favourite toy for a set amount of time (eg. 1 hour) as a strategy. If he's not currently playing with it, he'll want it once it's gone for that duration. He's more likely to see it's not a game then. I've never used time out method either but the older kids do go to their rooms if they are being flippant, cocky or so on. It instantly diffuses the situation and everyone calms down. They always come and apologise of their own volition afterwards. :)

    Parenting is one long never-ending steep learning curve, huh?

    Keep up the good work - you inspire me with all you juggle.
    Hugs. xx

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