Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Night Time Parenting

The topic of 'sleeping' is often a hot button subject for parents... including us, I'd say. We have pretty firm ideas about sleeping - and, specifically, night-time parenting. If there are, broadly speaking, two sleeping camps - 'crying it out', and 'not crying it out', we are firmly rooted in the latter. We co-sleep, and while we attempt to put Raf in his crib for the first part of the night (much safer in there until I get to bed), we happily sleep with the little cherub tucked in the middle. If he's upstairs on his own I literally run up the stairs if I hear him begin to even snivel... and if I am more than a minute it's usual to find Raf standing in his cot, arms out stretched with a pained look on his face wondering where we are.

it's honestly a bit heartbreaking.I don't know how I could possibly leave him up there on his own.

And we truly love co-sleeping. Raf is a snuggly little boy who likes to have his arms wrapped around your neck, or he likes to lie on top of you (especially when he's teething and it's less pressure on his poor little gums), and it's simply a gift to wake up to a little boy who, already awake, is waving his hands around in the air, watching them in the pre-dawn light as he amazes himself with the shapes he makes. And I think that, for a little boy like Raf, he benefits so much from the security and the closeness especially when I'm at work all day.

But, you know, it's also pretty exhausting. Raf is 18 and a half months and in that time I have yet to sleep through the night because Raf is up a lot in the night. He doesn't always wake up fully but if I didn't help in some way he certainly would wake up and it wouldn't be a pretty situation. Sometimes I am up - or awake - 10 days a night. I am very fortunate in that I don't need a ton of sleep but it's a side of parenting that people often don't see, especially beyond the early months when there is somewhat of an expectation that you WILL be up. But when little ones are Raf's age it's almost taboo to admit that they are far from sleeping through the night, that you still help them with sleep, and so forth. To my mind sleeping through the night is not something that is really learned, rather, it's more a milestone.

Yet it can be challenging, especially when one parent is responsible for the majority of the night-time parenting. it IS exhausting especially when Raf is teething or is ill and needs even more comforting and help. It's not an unusual night to see every hour on my alarm clock, and it can be difficult when work looms and you're feeling ragged from night one trillion with virtually no more than 2 hours consecutive sleep.

But it's worth it; it really is. I truly think that Raf is a happier little boy for it. Well, that is what I am telling myself :)

12 comments:

  1. I think you are doing a wonderful thing for your son and helping him grow into a secure little boy. Jocelyn nurses through the night and we don't even attempt to put her in a crib yet. I think we will try to transition her after her sometime after I get pregnant so we don't have a toddler and newborn in the same bed. It is exhausting, though, and I really feel for you having to work as much as you do! I hope you can take things one day at a time and soon he will be so big and grown up.

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  2. I wish it weren't already nighttime where you are...here goes another! And I hope this one is so, so much better on you.

    You are doing an amazing job, Alex. You have a happy and healthy boy, and you do for him what you feel is the best fit for him and your whole family. That's such a huge thing to be doing.

    love
    ash

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  3. i am in awe of you alex (but you already know that!)

    for us, i am glad that there has been a middle ground and we haven't had to plant ourselves in either camp. i don't cope well without sleep but i also don't cope hearing my children cry...

    i wish you & raf restful nights ahead :)

    kate xx

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  4. Raf is so sweet Alex. Although not sure how you continue to fabulously handle the long term sleep interruption. There is simply no one right way to parent, you just do what is best for your family. And you are doing that... For us, cosleeping wouldn't work; we would need a bigger bed :) We are lucky that our little Analise has been sleeping 10+ hrs a night since she was 4 months old. We didn't believe in cry it out either. that method is just terrible and I can only imagine heartbreaking. We did somewhere between the two, teaching her to self-soothe and now she snuggles her favorite stuffed pup. I also read the book "the Baby whisperer". it was a wonderful book and a big help for us. -- Amy D.

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  5. Alex you know where Colin and I fall in this and I am right there with you on the sleep deprivation! I love when Colin cuddles with me I just wish when he does wake up he wouldn't wake up screming.
    Oh and if pictures prove anything Rag us def benefiting because he is the happiest looking boy I have ever seen!

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  6. i think you're awesome. I'm not sure I could manage to be so civil on so little sleep! Rafi is having such a beautiful start in life xx

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  7. Thanks, everyone. I really appreciate your words.

    Julie, I often think of you and Jocelyn being in the same boat. She is such a sweety. When are you thinking of number 2? We are definitely thinking about it!!

    Hi Ash, I think I said to you elsewhere about how every child is so different. It was pretty immediate to me that he wasn't going to be a baby who'd fall asleep easily. He's always needed cuddling or movement to get him to sleep. That said, when he was a little one, he did sleep for fairly long chunks (unfortunately from 9-3, or something like that), but now, as he's getting older, other things like teething, illness, and so forth keep us from a lot of sleep. When he is healthy and not teething sleeping is a breeze (albeit with a few wake-ups for mama).

    Amy, I am pretty sure my sister-in-law used that book with great effect. So glad that Analise sleeps well! Co-sleeping definitely isn't for everyone, and honestly I was really thinking that I wouldn't (even though we semi planned to). We bought a moses basket, were given an Amby, a crib, and so forth... But it's really lovely, even though he takes up a lot of room! Every morning i find myself hanging on the edge of the bed (a very big king sized bed!!). Thanks for stopping by!

    Goodness, Kate, I know you've had a challenging time with E's sleep. You have no idea how much in awe I am of you!!

    Carol-Lyn, Colin and Raf are a lot alike, I bet! And thanks for saying Raf is a happy boy. He really is :)

    Thanks, Lou, Lou.. xx

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  8. it's funny I thought we might do it, because some parts do sound marvelous, and Carter was just never into being snuggled that much (waaaah for me) and only just started being willing to lay flat. I love getting to know these little people. It's so lovely to say "who are you" and really get to know them, isn't it?

    (you can tell it's been another good day here lol)

    love
    ash

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  9. Alex--I feel your pain! and your joy! :-) It's funny--when Sage was around Raf's age, I was starting to feel I was hitting my limit with the sleep deprivation. It's just so hard to function when every single night is made up of broken sleep. If it helps you to know this, somewhere around the 3-4 year mark, I started to realize that (unless Sage wanted it, of course) I didn't actually want to change anything. Even though I get to have her all weekend, being away from her all day every weekday, I just treasure my time with her in the bed every night. And as she's gotten older, it's gotten easier for me to sleep with her in our bed, so that the broken nights aren't debilitating anymore.

    On the few occasions when she's gotten sick during the night or had a nightmare, I've also been so incredibly glad to be there for her. I can't *imagine* her having to deal with those things all by herself (I did so when I was a child, and I found those to be the loneliest moments ever--awful to remember even now). So for me, it just feels right. (Just the other night, Sage, who is sick with a cough, slept the entire night using my arm as her pillow--and it was sweet! And I slept!)

    I think, as others have said, we each follow our own heart as well as our child's lead. The fatigue is incredibly challenging but, if it helps, it will not last forever. Your and Rafi's sweet memories of this night-time closeness will, though.

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  10. Loved this. Thanks for posting because it lets me know I am not alone in what we do.

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  11. I love reading about all the little ones getting the nurture and protection that we all deserve as sensitive creatures...you are all awesome <3 gives me hope for the next generation!

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  12. Alex - just saw your comment, I go back and forth on a pretty regular basis on if we're ready or not. Bad or difficult days make me think we need to wait until Jocelyn is older. She is a sweety but very high needs, too. I think we are waiting until her 2nd birthday for sure and then we can see how she's doing then. I do love babies, though, and am SO thankful to be a mommy.

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